Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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