well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
