My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
