just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
