She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
