um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
