I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize