so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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