Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
