I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
