i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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