I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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