I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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