i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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