i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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