No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
