If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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