Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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