did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
