Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
