I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize