I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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