Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize