I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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