At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
