i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
