i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
