Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
