Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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