my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
