I wish I could teleport
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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