I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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