Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
