he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
