So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
