And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
