wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize