Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize