i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
