When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
