I feel like abortions should bother me more
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize