this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
