i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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