I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
