Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
