thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it's great music for shaving your balls
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
