I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Houston, we have a blender
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You ruined the universe
Randomize
