i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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