White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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