WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
