woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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