sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
