Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I can text with my tongue
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
