I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
