you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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