Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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