If that was your dad, he is hot
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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