i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
