so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
