Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
