I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
