thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
